Smash Brothers Visits the Local Military Industrial Complex
by Terra Xanthis
Summary: When everything has fallen, who will rise to pick up the pieces? Not Ridley, that's for sure! Join Pit and his implicitly homosexual best friend Marth as they share adventures through time, and occasionally space, all while dealing with the day-to-day problems of being sophomore students at Smash University. - Content Rated T for fresh, fresh tamarillo.


Pit was late. Very, very late.

But no important date awaited him. No, what was waiting for him was far more sinister and foul. As he stood before the looming doorway, he simply could not muster up the courage to grasp the handle. His arm was paralyzed, trembling with fear and horror, and dreading what lay beyond. He attempted to move, but he was frozen, as if an icy wind had blown through the wretched halls and-

He was being watched.

Across the hallway, the janitorial R.O.B. unit was stood still, staring at him curiously. Pit glanced over at it, causing it to hastily return to its sweeping.

The angel couldn't let this get any more awkward. It was time to face the music. He turned confidently toward the door, turned the handle, and threw it open with all the force he could manage.

And there, behind the door, lay the very thing he had dreaded. The thing that held him in place for so long, the very reason he strove to be punctual, strictly to avoid encountering this awful sensation:

ridicule.

Every person in class was staring him down as though he were wearing a neon sign around his neck. His golden bracelets weren't that flashy, were they? He was wearing his white Centurion robes and sandals. Was there a dress code in place this year? Pit could hear a few papers flapping to the floor. In front of him, Mr. Falcon was giving him a death stare. His eyes alone were practically screaming "GET IN YOUR SEAT, YOU IDIOT." It had only been a few minutes since the beginning of Pit's sophomore year at Smash University, and things had already fallen to pieces.

And then Mr. Falcon finally spoke. "You're fourteen seconds late, Pit," he growled.

The angel fell to his knees, broken. "I-I… I know… I accept my punishment." Resistance was hopeless. All was lost, perhaps forever. He could never recover from this strike on his reputation, he was sure. But then from the silence there was an ear-piercing shout.

"OBJECTION!"

Suddenly, a rogue copy of AP Aerial: Advanced Techniques flew from the center of the class to strike Mr. Falcon in the side of the head. He gave a pained "GYAAH!" and fell, spiraling to the floor.

Pit looked up to see where it had come from. There, stood proudly in the middle of the classroom, was the blue-haired and ever-fabulous figure of the Hero-Prince of Altea: Marth, his blue cape flowing over his shoulder.

"My client deserves legal mediation and a fair trial! By law, you have no right to carry out any punishment before he has even begun to discuss the circumstances of the infraction! Furthermore, I-"

Mr. Falcon climbed back to his feet, and waved a hand in Marth's direction. "Just- forget it. Pit, get in your seat. You too, lawyer-boy."

Pit gleefully hopped to his feet and trotted to his chair, hastily taking a seat next to Marth. Mr. Falcon turned back to the whiteboard, and began writing. "Now, as I was saying. Rule one, people: Show them your moves. If this tactic fails, immediately implore the opponent to show you their moves. This strategy has proven highly effective in the last three international tournaments…" Pit leaned over to Marth, and whispered.

"Thanks for getting me out of that scrape. I didn't know you went to law school!"

Marth grinned, proud as ever. "It was my pleasure. I assure you, I would do it again in a heartbeat." He then placed his hand over Pit's, nestling his soft fingers against the angel's.

Pit froze for a moment, and, cautiously, picked up Marth's hand and placed it back on his desk. He desperately forced his most genuine-looking smile. "... No." The prince looked shocked, but then gave a slow nod and returned his gaze to his desk, a distant and disappointed look in his eyes.

The awkwardness was clearly palpable, as Pit could hear a few girls giggling in the back of the classroom. First, he's late. Now, he has to dodge the fact that his best friend literally just tried to make a move on him. Could this day get any worse?

"... The third attack in the combo can be air-dodged. Now, should this fail-"

"HYEEAAAH!"

Of course.

A gravelly, panicked cry. The whistle of a blade, the shattering of glass, and the splintering of wood. Tiny bits of glass whistled past Pit's ears as he covered his face. When he finally looked, he could hardly believe his own eyes. There, stood next to a shattered window, was Link, Hero of Hyrule. The mute warrior grunted as he vaulted the broken window, and-

into a four story drop.

Pause. Silence. Nothing... and then...

They heard the echo of a pained "EHHY-EGH" as bones snapped and Link cried out from the impact of the fatal fall. Students rushed to the windows, and scanned the courtyard below them. Surely enough, there, blinking a slight shade of red, was the Hero of Time, trotting away as if nothing had happened.

Falcon was furious. "LINK, IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, I'LL FALCON PUNCH YOU INTO NEXT FRIDAY!" He swung through the window, embers spraying from his feet, and landed on the ground in a huge cloud of dust and steam. And from the dust emerged the Falcon, sprinting across the courtyard after Link, laying a trail of flames in his wake.

The class was utterly stunned. For a moment, nobody could move. It was as if the very essence of shock itself had just entered their classroom, and silenced every living being within.

It took an eternity or two, but eventually, a voice sounded. It was the sound of a brilliant light, a spark, a light bulb flashing. Realization. The whole of living, breathing, being, condensed into two simple words.

"NO SCHOOL!"

Immediately, almost every student in the room began to dance and celebrate, shouting and laughing in gleeful approval of the eccentric display. The crowd forced the door open and poured out into the hallway to revel in their victories.

Within moments, the classroom was empty and silent. Everyone, save for a few students, had already gone. Pit scanned the room, noting that he and Marth were one of the only ones left. Still jumpy, Pit worked his way through the maze of overturned desks and fallen textbooks to eventually sit back down at his desk. Marth did the same, somewhat hesitant.

He leaned over to the angel. "Pit? What are you doing? Aren't we going to-?"

The angel laughed. "And get in trouble when Mr. Falcon comes back? No way. I'm happy right here, thank you very much." He leaned back in his seat, basking in the new-found freedom of a class without a teacher.

"Good point." Marth leaned back as well, and gazed at the ceiling, a grin on his face.

Pit scanned briefly around the classroom. It was an absolute mess-that was for sure. But, amongst the chaos, one other student had remained in her seat. There, in the front row, was the prim and proper Princess Zelda of Hyrule. She was carefully drafting her third revision of next semester's final essay, completely unfazed by the pandemonium around her. Pit simply couldn't help but sigh as he looked at her.

He wasn't sure if his admiration for the Princess was due to her unrivaled beauty, or her legendary punctuality and organizational skills.

Pit never thought he'd see the day when he admitted he liked a girl because of her punctuality.

_'Oh, look at her. So punctual!'_

Ugh.

His staring had not gone unnoticed, however. The Princess cast a careful glance back at him, over her shoulder. Pit blushed, and immediately turned to Marth, feigning activity. "So, your side-special. How do you hit them with the fourth hit if the third hit always knocks them away?"

The Prince looked at him curiously. "Hm? Oh, they changed that in Brawl."

"Oh... okay, then."

After a brief pause, Marth raised an eyebrow. "You were staring at Zelda again, weren't you?"

"... Yes."

"Heh."

"Shut up."

The Prince chuckled, and looked back at the ceiling. "Hey, I'd ship it."

"I said shut up."

Marth laughed again, albeit with a slight undertone of disappointment. It almost seemed forced. Almost as if-

Pit shuddered and shrugged the thought away. He'd better change the topic, and fast. "So, what do you want to do now? No class, after all."

Marth just gave a shrug, leaned further back in his chair, and let himself slump down slightly. "Perhaps destiny will bring something to our doorstep."

"Destiny better bring me a sandwich. I'm starving." The pair laughed, as Pit leaned back in his own chair. Moments of idle relaxation were rare in this place, and the angel was grateful for the chance to do as such. No work, no teacher, no class. Nothing to do.

His heart skipped a beat as Princess Zelda rose from her chair and set her pen down. Pit watched her for a moment, curious, when he realized she was walking in his direction. She was standing right next to his desk. Act natural. Act. Natural.

Zelda spoke with a crisp formality that never left her presence. "Good morning, Pit."

Pit looked up at her,

feeling a slight warmth in his cheeks rising already. Act natural, he thought. He opened his mouth, and forced a few words out. "U-Uh… hi, Princess."

She tilted her head, and gazed into his eyes, her mouth curled into a very slight grin. "Are you and Marth… doing anything?"

"Wha-That's not-I mean-Wh-We-No! We're not-"

The Princess cocked an eyebrow. "Well, if that's the case, I may have a small favor to ask of you both."

"Oh, uh, sure, what's up?"

Marth was leaning to the side, listening carefully.

"I assume you saw Link run off, earlier?"

The angel forced a calm and relaxed-sounding laugh. "How could I forget?"

"I'd like you and Marth to track him down. Preferably before Mr. Falcon or any rival searching parties do."

"... Rival searching parties?"

She placed a hand on his shoulder. Pit felt a very slight shock at the touch of her fingers. "Nothing you need to worry about. Just find Link. And please, be quick about it."

The angel was stunned for a moment and then nodded confidently. "No problem, Princess. We'll handle it."

Her hand retreated. "Good. I trust you both to deliver him to the Student Council chamber by lunchtime."

Marth raised a hand. "Might I ask what we get out of this?" Pit swung his head about to give the Prince the most furious glare he could muster up. He was not about to ruin the angel's one chance at love.

Zelda lowered her eyebrows, and gave Marth a soul-piercing stare. She spoke with obfuscated venom in her voice. "The admiration and gratitude of the vice president of the Student Council."

"... And?"

Pit was desperately trying to resist the urge to slap Marth in the face then and there. This was NOT the time for bartering.

Fortunately, the Princess conceded, and have a slight sigh. "Of course, we'll have you each rewarded appropriately."

Marth nodded. "Very well. We'll find your Hylian."

"Good. Remember, return him by lunchtime."

Pit nodded in agreement, still shaken by Marth's obnoxious (albeit surprisingly successful) attempts to barter with the vice president of the Council. "Alright, Princess. Come on, Marth. Let's get to work." Pit flapped his wings and floated from his seat, making his way to the shattered window. Marth nodded, and the two flung themselves through the broken glass, gleefully flying towards adventure.

Still standing by Pit's desk, Zelda lowered her head in deep consideration. After a few moments, she slowly nodded. "... Utterly hopeless."

* * *

><p>"Perhaps he hid in the trash can?<p>

Pit sighed, and glared at the blue-haired Prince. "Why would he hide in the trash can?"

"It is Link we're discussing."

_On second thought,_ the angel mused, _maybe Link would hide in a trash can._ Pit made his way over to the accused bin, lifted the lid, and carefully leaned his head over to look inside.

"Shhh."

Inside the trash, for some reason, was a gruff man with a slight mullet and an eye-patch, dressed in what looked like special-operations military garb. He had one finger over his lips, imploring Pit to be quiet. The angel slowly nodded, and closed the lid as nonchalantly as possible. The Prince stared at Pit in confusion. Pit waved him away. "There's nothing there."

"But why did you-"

"You don't want to know." Pit stared him down, and for a moment, they were simply silent. Marth gave a very slight nod, and the angel nodded back. "Anyways, I'm going to scout this area really quick. Be right back." He flapped his wings, and in an instant, he was up, floating higher and higher until he reached the height of the tallest nearby tree.

His wings struggling to hover, Pit quickly glanced about the courtyard below him. He and Marth had been searching the Western Courtyard. It was fairly nice in August, as the leaves had already turned to various pleasant shades of orange and yellow. Across the yard was the cafeteria, as of yet still untouched by lunchtime. A few students, presumably escapees from Mr. Falcon's class, were trotting along through the yellowing grass.

Directly below, the angel could see Marth, still prodding at the suspicious trash can. Behind the Prince, Pit could see three more students walking towards him with great haste. Oddly, he thought to himself, they weren't from Mr. Falcon's class. They looked more like Juniors. One of them had a weapon. _Oh dear._

Pit fell to the ground and landed with a thud in a small cloud of feathers. "Marth!"

The Prince was already ahead of him, as his rapier lay firmly pointed at the approaching figures. Pit followed suit, and quickly readied his bow. Two students stalked towards them from one side, as the third made his way around to the other side. They were surrounded.

One of them snarled. Pit turned to look, only to find himself face to face with Wolf, claws out and fangs bared. Behind them, the wholly intimidating Bowser, king of the koopas, held his ground, prepared to block them if they tried to flee. Over Wolf's shoulder, he could see-

"Lucina!?"

Marth gasped, staring at the girl in pure shock. Pit glanced between them, comparing the two, noting the similarities. They could almost be twins. Were they twins? It slipped his mind. Lucina simply gave a low chuckle and ran a hand through her unkempt, dark-blue hair. "Who else?" She spoke with sarcasm and venom, as if she were deliberately provoking the Prince.

Wolf spoke with a condescending formality. "Odd seeing you here, kids. You seem distraught. Might I ask what you're looking for?"

Pit gripped his bow tightly, ready to fire at any moment. The Prince made his way to the angel's side, never taking the point of his sword away from Wolf. He whispered. "Fly."

"I'm not leaving you here."

Marth paused for a moment, and gave a slow nod.

They heard a growl as Wolf spoke, louder this time. "I'll ask again. What are you looking for?"

Marth spat on the ground.

The anthropomorphic gray beast snarled in response, "You should show more respect for your elders, boy."

"I refuse to show respect to a beast."

"... Beast." Wolf gave a slow, deep cackle, sending shivers through Pit's spine. Marth still stood tall, confident, and ready to strike. Lucina held her sword by her side, at the ready, carefully analyzing Marth's every move.

The corner of Wolf's mouth turned to a slight grin, exposing his back teeth. "You should tread carefully, then. Beasts have fangs."

Marth narrowed his eyes. "Fangs can be removed."

The Beast's eyes widened, and the world stood still for a moment. One could hear the soft rustle of the falling leaves against the grass as they landed on the ground. Pit tightened his grip on his bow, prepared to fire at the first sign of a fight.

Suddenly, Lucina stepped forward, sword held outwards. "We know what you're looking for. All we ask is that you abandon your mission."

Marth raised an eyebrow. "Really. Then, do tell me, what are we looking for?

"The Hylian, obviously!"

The Prince chuckled. "The Hylian! You honestly think we're out here searching for the Hylian?"

"We have reliable sources that claim-"

"Sources that believe we're searching for Link in the middle of a courtyard, in a garbage bin?"

Lucina cast a brief glance around the yard. Indeed, it was mostly trees, grass, a few cobblestone walkways, a bench or two, and a trash can. She lowered her sword. "Why are you out here, then?"

"We were attempting to have a pleasant morning." Marth glared at his twin sister. At least, Pit had decided she was his twin sister. They were even dressed in matching armor, their cloaks the same dark shade of blue.

Lucina sighed, and lowered the tip of her sword to the ground. "Very well. We apologize for bothering you in such a manner."

Wolf lunged forwards, claws ready to tear. "What are you doing, you idiot!? They're trying to trick you!"

Pit stepped forward, in Marth's defense. "No, not really. We were just taking a walk."

The Beast howled in fury, and began to lunge towards Pit, when Lucina cut him off, speaking with genuine confusion. "Well, they have a point. It's very unlikely they'd be searching for Link in the trash."

Wolf snapped out at her. "Have you checked the trash!?"

Silence. The very concept of someone hiding in the trash was enough to give all of them pause. Even Bowser was frozen by the proposal. However, Lucina gave a slight sigh, and headed towards the bin. The same bin that Pit had checked earlier.

Oh no.

Pit grabbed Marth by the arm. "Quickly, we need to go."

Wolf drew his blaster, training it on Pit. "Not so fast, boy." The angel was at the mercy of the weapon. He could easily fly away from it, but he knew, if escape was attempted, only one of them would make it away in time. He wasn't going to abandon Marth like that.

In his idle thought, he noticed Lucina had finally begun to open the lid of the bin. She slowly lifted it up and, carefully, looked inside. She stood for a moment, completely silent, and unmoving. After a few moments, she closed the lid, and walked, wordlessly, back to Wolf. He barked at her. "Well!?"

Still wordless, Lucina merely grabbed Wolf by the arm, and hastily walked away. The beast was furious. "What? What did you see!? What was in that bin!? Are you even- Ow! Quit that!" Struggling every step of the way, the beast was eventually dragged to the other side of the courtyard and away from sight. Seemingly confounded, Bowser slowly plodded his way after them, flattening grass under each thudding step.

Eventually, the trio were gone, and the autumn morning was once again peaceful and quiet. Pit and Marth were, thankfully, alone. Well, somewhat.

The events that had just transpired sent very odd messages all around. Pit thought back to Zelda's warnings of "rival searching parties". He supposed that the student council were not the only ones who had placed a price on Link's head. What, then, was valuable about the psychotic outbursts of a mute Hylian warrior?

After a few long moments of silence, Marth was the first to speak. "Juniors."

"I know, right?"


End file.
